We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
