I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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