i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
