im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
