I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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