You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
