Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
