Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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