giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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