It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
