Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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