So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
