i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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