Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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