i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
