I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't deserve a penis
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
