there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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