if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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