I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
