I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
