Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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