I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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