how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
