I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
