Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
