When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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