Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
