he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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