my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
