ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
