you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
