***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
