my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
