Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
