when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
