i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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