I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
