He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
