i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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