help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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