FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
