I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
