She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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