why didn't you poke me back
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
