ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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