some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
