there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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