Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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