This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
