Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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