She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
